With the emergence of Ben Simmons summer workout videos which have revealed a plethora of fancy turnaround jumpers and DEEP three pointers we have something to get somewhat excited about if this is what we see come mid-October and hopefully through June.  But this is summer workouts in a random high school gym. It’s like getting an OTPHJ over a thin pair of gym shorts, the ultimate tease. So, what would I give up seeing this translate come season tip-off time? Well, a lot to be honest.

1. Several other Philadelphia Professional Teams and their Success

The Philadelphia Union, our MLS team, is currently atop of the Eastern Conference and is one of the favorites to win the MLS Cup come October, which is exciting being a soccer guy from the area. BUT I’d trade the whole franchise existence to give Ben that sweet, sweet stroke come NBA season. Send them to Pittsburgh, Iceland, or Ethiopia it doesn’t matter to me. They can run, bike, take a ferry boat, or fly commercial for all I care. Sorry soccer that’s how the cookie crumbles. “But Uncle Barnes no one gives a shit about MLS soccer, you’re not giving anything up.”. Perhaps you’re right, but the buck doesn’t stop with soccer, the Phillies and their mediocrity are on the hot seat too.

I’d go back to the Phillies seasons of 2012-2016 where 2nd row outfield seats were $10 a piece for Ben to piece together somewhat of a jump shot. You all remember those Phillies years, don’t you? The years where Mona Davis became the premier talk of the city’s baseball scene during her domination at the LLWS, the years where people still thought Charlie Manuel was the manager and that Harry Kalas was still in the booth gracing us with his voice even though he had been dead since ’09, but no one had tuned in to check on team once 2012 didn’t end the world. I’d go back to that dark, desperate time for more Ben Simmons shooting success.

2. My car in exchange for only Public Transportation and Uber Pools

My sophomore year of college I had to take the bus to class like a total noodle. The college bus is worse than taking the bus as a high school senior in the prime of your glory days. It’s reserved for the dorm-dwelling freshman, losers who live alone and have no car/friends, or in my case a schedule that didn’t match up with any of my roommates who drove. The sights and sounds of a packed college bus will make you study hard enough to make the Dean’s List and get yourself a full scholarship, but I’ll ride it loud and proud for my boy Benny’s shot to come to life in the NBA while getting those C’s and B’s. (A’s are for nerds).

I’ve had the displeasure of taking an Uber Pool only once. Took a pool from 30th Street Station to my brother’s place in Manayunk. It was $20 less and I had to save money for drinks at Mad River Thursday, but it was not worth it. The creatures and goblins that moseyed their way in and out along my pool ride were long lost cousins of the McPoyle family from It’s Always Sunny. Like public transportation, Uber Pool is a horror show, especially in large city in the Northeast. Might as well take a Lyft or taxi in the middle of Syria, but again we #DoItForBen.

3. My Sex Life

Where is the nearest chastity belt? My size you ask? Small.

This sounds bizarre on the surface, but every true Sam Hinkie disciple and follower of the Process should consider this. An NBA season is roughly 8-9 months depending on how long the team goes. Let’s be honest, none of us are having that much sex to overtake a Ben Simmons jumper, a jumper that will give you more happiness than the sloppy 6 you picked up at the bar after telling her about your sick apartment with a rooftop. If you say you are having that much sex then my response is two-parted; either you’re lying, or congrats on the sex man but make a little sacrifice for the greater good of the City of Brotherly Love.

Barnes
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