Hello again, fellow degenerates. It is I, The Sultan of Mush, The Colossus of Lock Parlays (Ha), The Great Mush-bino. Mookie Fookin’ Bets, back for another year of football. I’ve been slacking on my own content grind due to studying for the CPA (it’s nerd SZN), but The Bookie’s Basement is up and running unlike Jeffery Epstein.
I will be releasing the NFL Futures I’m on over the next week or so in installments. I don’t have time to pump them out all at once, so they’ll come out in short, micro-aggresive-styled sentences like if Bagel Boss had Tourette’s (he may already, not sure) and was explaining his Tinder interactions in a court room. Here. We. Go.
The Pick: Dolphins Under 4.5 Wins (+110)
Our first Future victim is the Miami Dolphins. They finished 2018 with 7 wins, one of which came from a throw-your-TV-out-the-window game winning TD as time expired against the Patriots. So, minus the fluke, they got 6 wins with Ryan Tannehill and Brock Osweiler under Center. Honestly, impressive. Out of those 7 wins, they stole 2 wins off the Jets (looking at you @harry_Mac) in their division, but I don’t think that’ll happen this year. I’m a Sam Darnold believer, and I think the Jets are going to be much improved this year (future on them incoming), so chalk up 2 L’s to the shittier boys in green. Within the division, I see the Patriots handing them two losses. There’s no chance Brady and the rest of his cucks take a loss to the Dolphins after that shameful walk off last year. That shit doesn’t fly in New England. As for the Bills, they had a busy offseason. They drafted a unit DT in Ed Oliver, bolstered the offensive line through FA and the draft, and added some pieces around Josh Allen who I think will have a breakout year. I don’t want to be too optimistic, but at the minimum they will split their 2 game series with the Bills.
As for Miami themselves, they have a new HC in Brian Flores. He spent 15 fucking years deflating balls with the Patriots, so he does have a cheater’s, oh wait I mean winner’s, streak in him. That being said, their roster is more disgusting than a Roy Rogers rest stop in the middle of Connecticut. Josh Rosen and Ryan Fitzpatrick are competing for first team reps right now (ew), and they didn’t add much to their defense which finished 29th last year in Total Defense (yuck). All of that, plus an offensive line that’s sketchier than a Philadelphia subway ride past midnight, this team is due for disaster and I want to watch them explode.
Let’s peep their schedule.
Their first 4 games are going to set the tone for their entire season. They get 4 straight teams that made the playoffs in 2018, so unless they get lucky, that’s 4 straight L’s heading into a bye. Coming out of that, they get a weaker Redskins team where nobody has an edge, so who knows what’s going to happen with that. From weeks 7-13 they get Buffalo twice, which best case scenario for them, they split. But within that 7 game stretch they see the Steelers, Jets 2x’s, Colts, Cleveland and Philly. Good fucking luck.
To round it off, they get the Giants Week 15 who should be quarterbacked by Daniel Jones at that point in the season. Who fucking knows how that will look, but It should be an ugly toss-up-type-game. As for Cinci, okay maybe they beat Cinci, but that’s still far from a lock. Lastly, they get the Pats week 17 in what should be a loss unless they rest their starters. Personally, I don’t think that will happen because of AFC seeding implications, but you never know.
All In All. The Dolphins sat on their thumb this offseason. They drafted DT Christian Wilkins out of Clemson in the first round which is a nice addition, but that won’t change their team’s defense drastically. On top of sitting on their thumb, everyone in their division got better, and they have a rookie Head Coach. Can you smell the disaster? It’s lingering, like a tweener-fart post late night McDonald’s, and I can’t get enough of it. Give me the disaster. Give me 5 interception games from Fitzpatrick, and sub 50% completion percentages from Rosen. Give me 30+ points from every opponent they face.
Projected Record: 3-13
More to come. Happy gambling.