So, the other day I’m sitting out back with a few of my pals discussing my litany of ongoing medical issues when one of them had a revelation.  My buddy turns to me and says “Man, Jews are just like dogs”.

Due to both the size and curvature of my shnoz, I was naturally offended and demanded he expand on his theory.

Who knew the Romans were out here sculpting Harry Mac?

His explanation was, without exaggeration, eye opening.  Rather than delve into how Jews are subhuman and control everything from the banking system to the weather, he prefaced his explanation with a list of ailments and issues historically associated with members of the tribe. For a quick refresher on those ailments, see the below bingo card I made.  Winner gets a free trip to Boca and a free 45 minute consultation from Mr. Steinberg at H&R Block.

Once I had some background, his point really started coming together. Like a purebred Boxer with bad hips, an English Bulldog that sounds like it may or may not be dying every time it takes a breath, or a Yorkie with shitty kidneys, there is one recurring theme between these medical issues and those of Hebrews and Shebrews around the world.  Inbreeding.  We all know we’ve inbred the fuck out of purebred dogs to make them look and act how we want,  but I had failed to consider the impact inbreeding may have had on my [terrible] gene pool.

You see, just like purebred dogs, Jews also love inbreeding.  We simply don’t marry outside the tribe.  Too many Jewish mothers have threatened to disown their child for bringing home a gentile (looking at you mom) and as such, we Jews just fuck each other like our world was one big gross retirement home (the olds fuck more than any of us, get over it).

So, what started as a wildly anti-Semitic take that left me sweeping my jaw off the ground ended with a new understanding of why I am the way I am and a new found kinship with Alabamians. Who woulda thunk it?