Dear College Football Fans,

The time has come. Football is here. I can smell it in the air. The fresh cut grass, the smell of sweat, that locker room odor. I just got chills down my spine as I typed this. All of a sudden, I just got the urge to challenge my co-worker sitting across from me to Oklahoma’s. Lucky for him, I left my pads at home. Anyway, football is back, and I am here to give you all a little breakdown on how each team in the SEC stacks up heading into the 2019-2020 season. And if you came here for some future’s just go to the very end of this blog, but don’t be an asshole, read this shit, you’ll learn some stuff.

When I think of football, I think of the Southeastern Conference. Footballs galore. Nothing better than a 3:30 start time on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I really hope my coworkers don’t notice the aroused facial expressions I’m making as I type this. They probably think I’m sexting my made-up girlfriend, but in reality she’s not made up, her name is the SEC. Alright enough is enough, let’s get started.

Alabama: The year is 2019, and yet again this conference will run through the Alabama Crimson Tide. Clockwork. Nick Saban is entering his 13th year in Tuscaloosa with Heisman runner-up Tua Tagovailoa as his signal caller. Tua is far and away the most talented quarterback Saban has ever coached, which is a scary thought considering the dynasty Alabama has become under Saban. The Crimson Tide finished 14-1 last year (8-0 conference record) beating each team by over 20 points. Obviously, their 1 loss coming in the National Championship game to Clemson, getting shitpumped 44-16. Must’ve been a very humbling experience for them. Alabama does the fucking, they rarely ever get fucked. Until golden boy Trevor Lawrence was born, fucking them harder than a girl on spring break after Brad dumped her after 3 and a half years. Anyway, redemption time, an unfamiliar feeling for Alabama.

 They look to be better on both sides of the ball this year. They have the QB in Tua, RB Najee Harris is a proven, reliable running back which will continue the tradition for Alabama running backs, and an absolutely terrifying, lethal receiving corps. Jerry Jeudy is the best college receiver I’ve seen in a loooooong time, Henry Ruggs ain’t no slouch either, not to mention they have a guy named Jaylen Waddle that would be the best WR on a lot of power 5 teams as their 3rd guy. They’ll have a very good offensive line per usual. Their offense looks better than last season which was an absolute pinball machine (I have no idea what that means but it sounds cool). Their defense was not one of their better ones (especially for Alabama standards), but they still only allowed 13.8 PPG and 282 YPG. Still, that’s pretty fucking good. They will be led by DL Raekwon Davis, LB Dylan Moses, and LB Anfernee Jennings. They also have three guys in this secondary DBs Trevon Diggs, Xavier McKinney (remember that name), and Patrick Surtain that’ll steal your lunch money. Bama has just been that team for so long that loses 10 guys each year to the draft and you have no idea how they will replace all that talent. Yet, year after year they plug in 6”2 230lb units that you’ve never heard of and they go on to make the All-SEC team. This year is no exception. Bama may have more talent than any team in the nation and expect yet again another finish in the CFB Playoff.

LSU: This may be my favorite team in the SEC. Not because I’m in love with their talent as an overall unit, but because I’m in love with Coach O (hard guy not to root for). Playing for him would be like playing for your father, you just don’t wanna let him down. LSU finished with a 10-3 record last year (5-3 conference record) tying them for second place in the SEC West along with Texas A&M. DBU is alive and well with potential top 5 overall pick Grant Delpit leading them at Safety. DB Kristian Fulton returns after a 1 year suspension which should really bolster an already elite unit and the defense also has a LB by the name of Jacob Phillips who will hit you harder than Joe Mixon hitting that… nevermind too soon, we can’t be joking about this stuff in 2019. QB Joe Burrow returns for his senior season with unusually high expectations for an LSU quarterback. Burrow will have WR Justin Jefferson to throw to which is nice, and he also has experience beating very good teams in intense atmospheres on the road (see Auburn). With a rock-solid defense and a very adequate experienced quarterback, don’t be surprised if LSU makes a run this year.

Texas A&M: I’d say year 1 in the Jimbo Fisher era was a success. Expectations weren’t high in his first year at College Station, but the Aggies surprised a lot of people finishing with a 9-4 record and tying LSU for second in the SEC West. I think Jimbo Fisher is one of the best coaches in the nation, but personally I HATE A&M this year. Sorry for saying hate, where are my manners? I very much dislike Texas A&M as a football team this year. I like QB Kellen Mond but he won’t have much to work with besides throwing the ball to WR Quartney Davis. The RBs are very unimpressive to say the least, and their O-line is average at best. Their defense will struggle… a lot. Other than DL Justin Madubuike, they aren’t a group to tell your grandmother about. Why would you tell your grandmother about the Texas A&M defense you might ask? Well it so happens my grandmother is a die-hard Aggies fan so go fuck yourself for thinking that would be odd. Maybe your grandmother likes the Aggies too, so let her know about how shitty their defense will be this year. This took a weird turn. Let’s get back on track. So the MAIN reason I’m not a fan of the Aggies is because of their BRUTAL schedule. They will be playing Clemson, Georgia, and LSU ALL on the road, not to mention they have an October 12th date with the Crimson Tide in College Station. Luckily for them, they were nice enough to come to their place for this date, the other teams were not. Nick Saban, what a charm! Not sure they will be saying that at 6:30 pm on October 12th though. Sorry for bashing the Aggies but take my advice and don’t place any future on this team, unless it’s the under.

Auburn: Auburn is a weird team this year. I like their talent, but their schedule will be really tough. That’s life in the SEC, BIG BOY BALL. I actually think Auburn will be a really fun team to watch. They will be starting true freshmen Bo Nix at QB. I love me some Bo. He sounds like someone who would be the starting quarterback for the Auburn Tigers ,and he will be for a long time so get used to it. It will be very tough for a true freshman to face this schedule to start his college football career, not to mention the first game against a VERY talented, experienced Oregon defense. Gus Malzahn must be very confident in this kid if he’s willing to give him the keys from the get-go. They will be returning 7 starters on each side of the ball, but more importantly DL Nick Coe and Derrick Brown. This Auburn defensive line might be the best in the nation. They are some bad motherfuckers. Auburn also has a very solid OL so expect a lot of run and gun. Bo is set up to succeed from the team Gus Bus has put around him, but it’ll be tough for him to do so with the schedule they’ll face. Look out for Auburn as the true boom or bust team for the 2019-2020 season.

Mississippi St: Joe Moorhead will be entering his second season in Starkville. He finished 8-5 in his first season there and should ride that momentum going into year 2. An old friend of his will be joining him down South and his name is quarterback Tommy Stevens. Stevens is a very talented, dual-threat QB coming from Penn State. I know some Penn State fans (not to brag) who say Stevens was actually more talented than Penn State graduate Trace McSorley. McSorley just broke records at PSU so it’s tough to sit a guy like that. The transfer comes at a weird time considering he was about to take over in Happy Valley, but anyway he’s now a Bulldog so good for him, I guess. Mississippi St had a very good defense last year with an average of 13.2 PPG which finished 2nd in all of football. That likely will not be the same this year with only 4 returning starters, but they will be more balanced as an overall team with an improved offense. Stevens has the potential to thrive under Moorhead and they should be feeling very confident heading into SEC play on September 21st. They will face Louisiana, Southern Miss, and Kansas St in their first three games, and they should all result in wins. Mississippi St is another team to keep an eye on out of the SEC.

Ole Miss: If you’re an Ole Miss fan this year, you have all the reason to be ecstatic heading into this season. Unfortunately, it’s not gonna be because of the team they put on the field this year, but because their bowl ban is lifted. Congratulations Ole Miss for staying on the right side of the law! The irony of that is their team name is the Rebels… get it? I crack myself up. Alright alright, I’ve had my fun, but another reason fans should get excited is the acquisitions of OC Rich Rodriguez and DC Mike MacIntrye. Rich Rod will plug in a much more run-oriented offense which should really help redshirt freshmen QB Matt Corral. Their defense will be a lot better this year, which isn’t saying much, but Mike MacIntrye was a great hire and they are returning all but 1 starter on defense. They should improve from their 5-7 record this year and maybe be good enough to get a bowl game, but their lack of experience on the offensive side of the ball will hold them back. Arrows are pointing up for the Rebels, and they’ll finally have something to play for this year, but again don’t expect much from them.

Arkansas: In the 2018 season, Arkansas was a bigger disaster than Chip Kelly’s tenure in Philadelphia. I mean trying to justify dropping fan favorite DeSean Jackson (welcome back D Jax!), and trading another fan favorite in LeSean McCoy for Kiko fucking Alonso is something only a psychopath would do. I don’t trust that guy, have fun UCLA fans! If there are any. There’s not much to say about Arkansas this year so I thought now would be a good time to mention my hatred towards Chip Kelly. And yes I am an Eagles fan. Chip Kelly… what a fucking disaster. Thank you Howie Roseman for cleaning up that mess. In a weird way without Chip you could say we wouldn’t have won that Super Bowl against the Patriots ;). You’re welcome America. And yes, I know it’s been almost two years since this but guess what… people don’t forget. And honestly last years Super Bowl was so bad that I’m still gonna call the Eagles defending champs this year. Suck it Jerry Jones! Arkansas Razorbacks… they will be better than their 2-10 record last year, but they will not be good. They will again be a very bad football team. Fun fact for you: Arkansas has not won an SEC home game in years! That is bad, not good, but very bad.

Georgia: Let’s talk about the Georgia Bulldogs. Kirby Smart will be entering his 4th year in Athens and expectations are high. He’s set the bar higher and higher each year since he’s been there, and this year is no exception. They enter the year ranked 3rd in the nation and have one of the most talented rosters. They will have a much improved offensive line and two RBs with NFL talent. RB D’Andre Swift is a personal favorite of mine growing up in Philly, but the man has game. Stop reading this and throw in +4000 Heisman future right now. QB Jake Fromm is entering his 3rd year as starter and he has definitely been there, done that. Fromm is another interesting guy to keep an eye on. He was so impressive as a true freshmen, leading the Bulldogs to the playoffs. But a lot of people didn’t think he took that necessary step his sophomore year many hoped for. However, I like Fromm quite a bit, and I think he’s primed to have a big season. On the defensive side of the ball, expect a big improvement. They will be more experienced, and they have some guys that will be playing on Sundays. They were already a solid bunch only letting up an average of 19.2 PPG and 314 YPG last year and expect them to top those numbers. On offense and defense, they have no apparent weakness. I put them alone in tier 2 of college football teams, behind the obvious Alabama and Clemson. They could make it interesting for them though. With injuries and momentum, don’t be surprised to see Georgia play in the National Championship game.

Florida: I will be upfront and apologize for not publishing this article before their Week 0 win against the U. What a game though! Very ugly. But I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt for having to start their season a week before everyone else. They did start it off on a good note, however. Dan Mullen is entering his second season with the Gators and his first one could not have gone any better. He took over a 4-8 team, and finished the season with a 10-3 record. They are also riding the momentum of demolishing a good Michigan team in last year’s Peach Bowl, 41-15. Expectations are high this year with a preseason ranking of 8. Feleipe Franks returns at QB for them and should do well in his second year in Mullen’s system. He did not do well against Miami, but Miami’s defense is no joke. What will make or break this team, however, is their defense. They will be returning 8 starters and should bolster one of the nation’s top defenses. October 12th should really tell us what this Florida team is about when they head into Death Valley to play LSU. Should be a bloodbath. The only thing that will hold this Florida team back is their experience.

Missouri: Missouri is entering the season with a potential bowl ban. It will be very interesting how head coach Barry Odom will motivate the team on a week to week basis. It’s tough for players to play with much purpose when they are unsure of what their future holds as a team. I will say it would be pretty fucking dope if they find out mid-season that they won their appeal and are eligible for a bowl game. Let’s get to their roster. I am sure many of you who are reading this is aware that Clemson transfer Kelly Bryant will be taking over at quarterback for a different color Tiger this season. Bryant is a proven winner and should bring that pedigree to a team that hasn’t experienced that in quite some time (they did finish 8-5 last year but no one took them seriously). They have a solid O-line which should help Bryant but they lack some talent at the skill positions. They just don’t have any “wow” guys that the elite teams have. Regardless, Missouri should be a solid team this year due to their very easy record, especially for an SEC team. The two teams from the SEC west that they’ll have to face are Arkansas and Ole Miss which doesn’t scare anyone. It’s Kelly Bryant time in Columbia, Missouri and their success will likely hone on him.

South Carolina: Let’s head on over to Columbia, South Carolina. Very fun school if you get the chance to visit, which I have. Yeah I did my fair share of partying back in the day, but now I am here writing a blog. I honestly could’ve seen this coming. But alright let’s take a look at how South Carolina shapes up this year. Ouch. If you’re a South Carolina fan you should not be happy with the schedule they’ll have to face. The two teams out of the SEC West they are playing are Alabama and Georgia. That’s more brutal than Andrew Luck retiring an hour after OJ Simpson drafted him on his fantasy team. The balls on this guy. Has anyone heard from Andrew after that? Something to keep an eye on. Getting back to the schedule, they will also conclude their season against Clemson like usual. So, if you came into this year excited about the talent and had high expectations for the Gamecocks, look at the schedule, then look at it again, and again, and again. Absolutely merciless. At least fans will be watching some high quality football being played, it just won’t be from them. With all that being said, their roster has improved from last season. It’s a shame because their record won’t show it. QB Jake Bentley will return under center, but he’s really nothing to get excited about. He does have WR Bryan Edwards to throw to which will help. On defense, they have a stud in DT Javon Kinlaw who should be a member of one of the All-SEC teams. And they have some talent on the defensive line and defense as a whole, but again it will be tough for them to have success against probably the toughest schedule in the nation. South Carolina, I am sorry for your loss (as we like to say in the funeral home).

Tennessee: Time to check in on the Tennessee Volunteers. Jeremy Pruitt is entering his second season calling plays after a disappointing 5-7 record in his first. I think Tennessee struck gold with this hire two years ago, especially after that whole Greg Schiano debacle. In Pruitt’s second year, he will be coaching a very experienced bunch and I like them to be one of the more improved teams in the nation. I don’t have huge expectations for them because they do have a difficult schedule (common theme in the SEC), but I like where they’re at as a program. They are returning 10 starters on the offensive side of the ball and should be much improved there. They don’t really have any guys that will jump out at you there, but they are experienced which should pay dividends. QB Jarrett Guarantano is one of the more underrated signal callers in college football so it’ll be interesting to see if he can take the next step in his career. On defense, they will be led by senior LB Darrell Taylor who has early-round draft potential. All in all, I like the Volunteers team as a whole, but their schedule may hold them back.

Kentucky: Kentucky was debatably the biggest surprise in all of college football last season finishing 10-3. They’re defense was the biggest reason why. They allowed just 16.9 PPG and 338 YPG. Unfortunately, they lost stud LB Josh Allen to the draft and only return 4 starters from last year. On offense, they lost career rushing leader Benny Snell to the draft as well. In all of Mark Stoops’ years (6) coaching the Wildcats, his teams have either improved or finished with the same record as the previous year. That trend will come to an end this year. Their schedule isn’t too difficult which will help their chances, but unlike other SEC teams it’s the talent that lacks, not the schedule. QB Terry Wilson returns under center but he just really isn’t that good. WR Lynn Bowden is the only thing that offense has going for them. Center Drake Jackson is a good player but he’s a center. Nothing to discredit centers or o-linemen in general, but centers just don’t pop out at you when you’re watching a football game. All-22 however, that’s where us football guys see the dominance that is between the trenches. Back to Kentucky football, save some time and get ready for the basketball team this year, because the football team is gonna have a down year.

Vanderbilt: Let’s wrap it all up with the Vanderbilt Commodores. They lose their long time QB and all-time passing leader Kyle Shurmur (shout out La Salle High School), but return RB Ke’Shawn Vaughn, WR Kalija Lipscomb, and TE Jared Pinkney. All very good players, but their O-line is gonna struggle which could hold them back. Not to mention a new signal caller in Riley Neal. On the bright side he’s been in the system for a while, just not sure the talent is there. If he can be adequate, the Commodores could finish with a winning record. Their defense will be bad, really bad. But my grandmother is not a Vanderbilt fan so I will not be telling her anything about them. I don’t really know any Vanderbilt fans, so I won’t be telling anyone about them. Sad! We all know how important the quarterback position is, but in some cases it’s more important. Their success will be held on the shoulders of Riley Neal. He has plenty of weapons, it’s just up to him if he can take advantage of them.

The Bottom Line:

This is the best conference in all of football year after year and that should be the case again this year. There are also a lot of interesting teams this year like Auburn, Mississippi, Florida, Missouri, and Tennessee to name a few. I will be keeping a close eye on those teams. We’ve made it fellas. Football is fucking back and I am more excited than Josh Gordon getting reinstated for the 8th time. Cheers!

Sincerely, Your Favorite Uncle,

Uncle, Unk.


You are also probably wondering what futures to put in, and maybe that was the only reason you chose to read this blog. If that is the case, then fuck you. You have to put in the work to receive this free money. If you didn’t skip this whole blog, kudos, and I thank you. Here are the futures I like:

Alabama O/U 11 wins: OVER

LSU O/U 9 wins: OVER

Texas A&M O/U 7.5: UNDER

Auburn O/U 8 wins: UNDER

Mississippi St O/U 7.5 wins: OVER

Ole Miss O/U 5 wins: OVER

Arkansas O/U 5 wins: UNDER

Georgia O/U 10.5 wins: OVER

Florida N/A (that’s my bad)

Missouri O/U 8.5 wins: OVER

South Carolina O/U 5.5 wins: OVER

Tennessee O/U 6.5 wins: OVER

Kentucky O/U 6.5 wins: UNDER

Vanderbilt O/U 5 wins: OVER