It was an innocent Tuesday afternoon. I sat there on the toilet, engaging my pals in some discussion on the Saints’ QB situation when I was presented with a piece of information that truly rocked me to my core.

Not only is Taysom Hill older than the most wholesome quarterback on Earth, he will turn 30 years old before the end of the next NFL season. What. The. Fuck!? I demand answers. How has nobody talked about this? The Saints are talking about a 29 year old Tim Tebow if he converted to TE as if he’s a franchise quarterback? I have so many questions that need answers, so let’s take a step bach. We’re gonna do this like Passover and answer the 4 questions.

Question 1: How old was Taysom Hill when he finished college?

Answer: It appears I am already asking the wrong questions. Wikipedia tells me Hill played his senior season of high school football in 2009. He was heavily recruited, but decided to do a Mormon retreat, and then Wikipedia just skips to 2012 when he started college at BYU. Are Mormon retreats 3 years long? I saw the Book of Mormon so I’d say I have a firm grasp on the Church of Latter Day Saints, but 3 years sounds like a long time convincing Africans they’re going to hell for not believing some dummy with made up gold plates Joseph Smith. I have more questions than answers after question 1, but to answer the original question, Hill played 5 years of college ball so that would put him at 26 during his rookie NFL season in 2017. No wonder he went undrafted, The idea of taking a 26 year old out of college makes me throw up in my mouth.

Question 2: Who on the Saints staff is currently grading this 29 year old as a franchise qb?

Answer: This whole conversation stems from the possibility of Drew Brees retiring and the Saints reportedly having a higher internal evaluation of Hill than Teddy Bridgewater who quarterbacked them to a 5-0 record in Brees’ absence this year. Now I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that I know more about football than Sean Payton. BUT, I feel like anyone with eyes can tell you that purely as a quarterback, Teddy is the better player who most sane people would probably feel more comfortable with under center. So whomever you are, I will find you and shame you on the internet. Mark my words.

Question 3: Is Taysom Hill into soaking?

Answer: Probably. Mormons can’t fuck each other apparently, so their Church approved version of fucking is called “soaking”. You can probably use your imagination but basically you put it in and just sorta lay there and you’re not allowed to thrust or move or enjoy anything. Sounds truly awful for all parties if we’re being frank. Apparently they also sometimes invite a 3rd party to jump on the bed to simulate the movement which is such a hilarious visual I had to share it with you. Also no cumming allowed. Yes thank you I know, I’m asking the important questions no one else will.

Question 4: Who can I blame for this cover up?

Answer: Based on my extensive research, I’m assigning blame as follows.
35% Taysom Hill, 30% Church of Latter Day Saints, 10% BYU, 10% Sean Payton, 10% National Media, 4% Roger Goodell, 1% Mook.

There. Now that blame has been definitively assigned I can rest easy. I’m truly sorry if this news was as shocking to you as it was to me in this trying time but I would simply be neglecting my duties to not share this information with you, our valuable readers and internet pals.

Next time someone is going to break news this abhorrent, I simply ask that you make sure the recipient is in the proper headspace to receive and deal with the news.