I was shitting in an IHOP this morning when it dawned on me that tonight is the god damn Super Bowl? Where did the time go, man? It’s like I dropped into the Hot Tub Time Machine 6 months ago and haven’t written a blog since (hand up, I’m scum) because I was too busy sucking corporate America’s chode. I’m a sell out, but at least there are faithful Basement writers that kept the lights on while I was getting cranked.

Anyway, this super bowl is going to be weird. I have to be a human at 8am tomorrow, but that’s not going to stop me from consuming an unhealthy amount of wings and downing a personal bottle of whiskey while I yell at a television. Today and tomorrow should be a national holiday. Sorry Todd, I won’t be responding to your G-chats tomorrow about significant risks, I’ll be too busy participating in the nationally recognized “Most unproductive workday of the year.” Enough small talk, let’s get into some winners.

All odds are courtesy of Bovada, although they are not sponsors, they have been my go-to line maker since high school.

Puppy Bowl XVI – Gender of MVP (3pm)

This is simple. 2020 (every year, actually) is the year of the woman. Billie Elish just raked at the Oscar’s, and E-Girls everywhere are bringing in larger salaries than I am. Keep it simple and root for a female pupper -120.

Puppy Bowl XVI – Will a Puppy attempt to mate? (3pm)

Dogs are horny fucks, so take yes at +300.

National Anthem Length – Over/Under 2 minutes (-120)

Enough puppy talk and now to the meat and potatoes. I’m not going to steal my boy Harry MAC’s thunder, but read his blog on why you should pound the under. It’s hot tip SZN.

Will Fox Broadcast mention the Point Spread or Total during the Broadcast?

Gambling is cool now, folks. Also, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman ain’t no dummies. Every idiot in America and their motha’ will be gambling on this game in some way, shape, or form. If they don’t mention a line or total, they’re doing it wrong. Pound yes at +130.

Will a fan run onto the field during the game?

People are chasing clout left and right nowawdays. If someone doesn’t have a diabolical plan to run onto the field and market some type of business, I don’t want to be a US citizen anymore. Let’s root for madness at +525.

Will Shakira/Jennifer Lopez Have A Wardrobe Malfunction During The Halftime Show?

God, I fucking hope so. Yes +10000

What Color Will The Liquid Be That Is Poured On The Game Winning Coach?

My boy’s dad who’s cousins with the house cleaner for Patrick Mahomes told his uncle’s boyfriend’s dog sitter that the Chiefs training staff ordered a fuck ton of Purple Gatorade. Suck my hog. Purple Gatorade is now at -110 which I think is a conspiracy planted by Vegas, which is a blog for another day. I’m taking Blue Gatorade +1200 because that shit slaps. Any other gatorade is atrocious and simply not a good drink.

Super Bowl MVP

Taking Mahomes at +115 (yawwwwwn) is more boring than watching a Bleacher Report Live stream, but it could win you some cold hard cash. Personally, I’m taking some half-court-Steph-Curry-pull-ups here and letting it rip. I have a feeling that if the Niners win, Jimmy G’s numbers won’t be that impressive, and that he will need big plays from his playmakers. That’s why I LOVE Deebo Samuel +2500. Don’t call me crazy, yet. As for the Chiefs side, give me Tyreke Hill +1600. That dude is fast.

First Touchdown

I’m leaving my first touchdown bet up to The Bullet (@Ross_Bullet) because he often HITS THOSE, so this will be updated later in the day. Stay tuned.

Bullet’s First TD Picks: Deebo Samuel +1200 and Mahomes +2000

Game Winner

I keep going back and forth on this. Everyone is taking the Chiefs and I love Andy Reid, yet the Niners just aren’t a sexy pick. Whoever I take will probably lose anyway. Make sure to follow me on Twitter @TheMookieBets for updates.

Happy gambling, team.

Mookie Bets