If you are a man who has had sex at any point in your life, I assure you you will be able to relate to this dissection of a natural phenomenon that I have been working on for years. The Phenomenon: Neanderthal Brain. What is Neanderthal Brain you ask? It’s quite simple really. When our brains know that we are havin some sex, the entire world around us just melts away and nothing but one some one eyed snake venom will snap us bach to reality. Talkin’ cum, folks. Someone experiencing Neanderthal Brain could be in the middle of a raging inferno, the room they’re in crumbling around them, flaming debris whizzing right by their noggin and it wouldn’t matter. And it doesn’t matter because within that noggin is a big stupid Neanderthal Brain that knows it’s mere moments away from blowing a hot sticky load in/onto whatever lucky participant consented that day.

I have been researching Neanderthal Brain since my Sophomore year of college at IU when I first experienced it for myself. I was having sex with my girlfriend (who has somehow tolerated me for all these years) from behind and was using my right arm to prop myself up against the wall when something popped. You’re welcome for the vivid imagery. I got a sharp shooting pain down my shoulder and jumped like a dog when you step on it by accident. My girlfriend turned around, clearly very concerned and asked if I was ok/needed to stop. “I’m fine” I murmured through clenched teeth as I continued exactly what I was doing while now trying to rotate and stretch my shoulder at the same time. I grit through it and fired the starting gun, releasing the swimmers from the gate. Now at this point, as the Neanderthal Brain wears off, the pain sets in and my still very concerned girlfriend goes to ask my very intrigued roommates if there’s any ice in the house. Shoutout The Bullet for sending her back downstairs with the ice that was reserved for his bong, real friendly move. So, I ice the shoulder and fast forward 2 days and nothing has changed so stubborn as I am I decide medical attention is probably in order. I saunter in to the local urgent care (I don’t believe in University Healthcare, those snakes take enough of my money as is and if the doctors were that good then guess what, they wouldn’t be working at University Healthcare.) and tell them that I slipped and fell in my house because I was far too embarrassed to tell the nice lady doctor what really happened. They take some X Rays and what do you know, I fractured my humerus! The big bone that connects your arm and shoulder, how splendid!

google tells me this is the bone

So, my Neanderthal Brain gutted out a broken shoulder all for the sake of reaching the ejaculation station. When I was workshopping this blog with the rest of our Basement dwelling pals, @Jake threw out another excellent example. A college buddy of his fell over and busted his face into a television while engaged in sexual acts, and you know what he did? Got right up and finished the job lookin like Fabio after that goose flew into him on the rollercoaster.

The lady who just got a Jackson Pollocking of Fabio blood over his shoulder is far and away my favorite part of this piece of internet lore

THAT, is Neanderthal Brain.

I posit that everyone with a dick and balls experiences Neanderthal Brain at some point in their life, and now I’ve given my good internet pals a name for this phenomenon, I’m going on a mission. I want to find the best and most ridiculous Neanderthal Brain stories on the internet. Send them to me @Harry__Mac on Twitter or email me at hmaccfb@gmail.com if you’re a coward and prefer anonymity.