This is a blog I truly wish I didn’t have to write. But as the world grinds to a halt around us and every league from the NBA to the NHL is postponing play, I would be neglecting my duty as a degenerate blogger to not give my good internet pals some good ways to keep that itch scratched.
Scratching the itch is going to be of paramount importance over the next month or so. I’ve seen many a degenerate descend into madness over the slow grind of July, but even then we still have Baseball and other various scratching mechanisms. Right now? We got nothing. Diddly. Squat. Or do we? Now is the time for us as degenerates to band together and get creative, so I hereby present my ideas for keeping that itch scratched while the world ends:
To say I have been enamored with goldfish soccer since I saw this tweet would be a gross understatement. I am obsessed. I could start this league up for like $250 bucks and it would provide me with endless entertainment. Could you imagine your favorite basement pals doing live commentary on stream and calling this madness while we all gamble on it? Pure. Electricity. I’m going to harass our pals at Pointsbet into helping me set this up and make lines. This is my promise to you – I will run at least 1 game of goldfish soccer that you will be able to wager on before this whole corona nonsense clears up. Please hold me to it because if you haven’t noticed I’m a bit more of an idea guy than an execution guy but this idea is just too good to not execute.
A timeless gambling classic. It doesn’t get much simpler or more beautiful than placing a wager on a turtle with a number painted on its shell to cross a finish line before the other numbered turtles.
Need some weirdo with an affinity for turtles running a turtle racing twitch stream 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The beauty of bets like these is it’s just the hardest, purest scratch of the itch you can get. Just a minute of the most satisfying scratching you’ve ever had in your life. But as soon as it’s over, there’s another itch to scratch.
Mookie Betts ou1.5 “I need coffee” tweets in a weekend
A staple of all of our weekends, Mookie’s extremely original and absolutely hilarious tweets about needing coffee on a Saturday morning just give me the boost I need to power through. As relatable and funny as the tweet is, it’s always riveting to see if we’ll get treated to a second tweet about those glorious brown beans on the lord’s day. So I’ll set this line at 1.5 and we’ll see how it plays out, we’ll open up for action Friday morning. Also no one tell Mook so he can’t fudge the numbers. I’m trusting you all on scouts honor here, do not let me down.
This seems like maybe the most obvious and least creative of my suggestions yet, but it can work. I’m relatively certain that the Rona cannot be transmitted through video game headsets, although I can’t be all that certain. Every now and then my book throws up lines for esports and various video games, I’ve never felt the need to dabble but that definitely might be about to change. I feel like watching gamers crank 90s and bop headshots with money on the line could potentially scratch that itch, though I’d be lying if I said it got the blood moving like goldfish racing. Fuck I need those goldfish.
Lastly, The Ponies.
A true bastion of degeneracy, the ponies are undefeated when it comes to itch scratching. One of my best gambling memories ever is Belmont 2017, Tapwrit and Irish War Cry screaming down the stretch while the people around me and The Bullet cheered us and wished us luck. Not only did I nail the exacta, wps on both horses, and a trifecta, I gave the picks to every single one of my pals who was with us that day or had any interest in horse racing. The only thing better than cleaning up for yourself is cleaning up for yourself AND your pals. With all that being said, a horse race is the most electric 2 minutes in gambling (other than turtle racing of course) for a reason and if you can’t enjoy a nice day betting the ponies then this game ain’t for you. Now, do I know if ponies can get corona? No I do not. I don’t think jockeys can get it if teenagers are immune to it, something about their small adorable bodies being compressed allows them to fight disease better. That’s my professional medical analysis. So in the event that the ponies are still running, and they gotta be running somewhere on Earth, load up that NYRA Bets account and have a time.
I believe I’ve given you enough to keep the itch scratched for the next month or so, but by golly if this goes on much longer than that I’m gonna have to kick this big ole brain into overdrive until I get some more ideas to hold us all over. And I’m as serious as coronavirus about goldfish soccer. It’s happening.
On a semi serious note, stay safe out there everyone. I like to make jokes and suppress my real feelings as much as the next guy but if you’re pretending this isn’t at least a little bit of alarming, you’re a hardo asshole and I don’t care for you.