I’m gonna be honest here, going out and being an absolute degenerate with my pals 5 nights a week was the only thing on my mind during my two recovery days. So needless to say, I’m struggling with this whole “don’t be an idiot in public” rule, and I imagine countless other 22 year olds around the nation share this sentiment. In these bleak times, we all need something to look forward to – so I have taken the liberty of making a list of my favorite days of the year to drink so much that I can’t even pronounce my own name:
- Sunday Funday
You’re cheating the man in the mirror if you’re one of those assholes who decides to be productive on the weekend when you have zero responsibility on Monday. The Lord’s day was meant for grabbing a couple buddies, hitting up the local watering hole, and putting back some personal pitchers. Almost every bar I’ve ever gone to throws around some deals more absurd than a sorority girl after a couple tequilas on spring break every Sunday, and you’d have to be dumb enough to be an avid Hoodie Allen fan to turn them down. If you’ve never taken advantage of these holy days, you’re missing out on some of the best times a person could experience.
- Black Wednesday
I’ve honestly never really been a fan of Thanksgiving. I know that’s a take worthy of Sir Skip Bayless himself, but it’s a hill I’ve been on for the last couple years and frankly I’m too far down the rabbit hole to give up now. Obviously my bias for this holiday is showing through, but I would rather have Lizzo sit on my face for 48 consecutive hours than have “So what’ve you been up to?” conversations with people from my hometown that I don’t talk to for a reason. Also, if you throw in the fact that there’s not a single fun bar in southern New Hampshire, and you can understand why Thanksgiving Eve is placed where it is. The only positive thing about this “holiday” is seeing not only the people from home that I keep in touch with, but seeing the random kids I completely forgot about – similar to Schmitty in those couple episodes of Always Sunny.
- Memorial Day Weekend
The start of summer. Good weather (usually). The first time you can acceptably have beers on a boat in the calendar year. Throw in the fact that it’s a 3 day weekend (see above about Sunday Fundays)? This has all the makings of a classic American holiday – throw some dogs on the grill, fill your cooler with an ungodly amount of beer, and listen to your boys chirp the cop when he pulls you over for being too drunk to operate a boat at 1:13 pm. You could make the argument for 4th of July in this place, but give me the start of the summer over the middle of the summer twice a day, every day, for the rest of my life.
- The Night After a Stressful Day
Whether you had a shitty day at work, or you took a test that treated you like Abella Danger, the first sip of booze after a long and busy day is the nectar of God himself. After doing some careful research, these are the easiest nights to black out on, which can either result in the best or single handedly worst night of your life. These are the nights you either win the $3,000 raffle at the bar, or you wake up to videos of you dripping wet in the middle of a bone dry bar taking shots of ranch. The pure uncertainty of these nights make them some of the best ones of your life.
- The End of Quarantine
When I picture the end of hell in my head, I picture that bar scene from The Other Guys where anything and everything goes. Basically just Mardi Gras with even less rules. Free shots. 1/10 price pitchers. Nickel bottles of vodka. The works. I could easily see somebody firing off a 9mm straight into the ceiling out of pure excitement. My parents are already yelling at me for the $700 I’m gonna put on the credit card the very second I’m allowed to leave the house. I know this is premature, but the end of this Quarantine is probably going to be the best night of our lives, and frankly it can’t come fast enough.
- Thank You, Boston - November 21, 2020
- What It’s Like Being a Relatively Good Looking Man in the South - September 23, 2020
- Best Bets for the Basketball Bubble - July 29, 2020