Time for the best power ranking list that nobody asked for. As a semi-retired bouncer/barback, I unfortunately have had way too much fast food for ones lifespan. Even in a city like Philly, there just aren’t a ton of options open that late. It tastes so good at the moment but then ya feel like complete dog shit afterwards, you struggle to stay asleep because of it and you wake up in a blanket of regret. Whatever your thoughts on fast food are, here is the list of the best french fries from all the shitty fast food joints in this great fat country of ours.
Dave Thomas gets a lot of things right across his 6,500 Wendy’s locations but fries are simply not one of them. Wendy’s fries have all the potential but the consistency just isn’t there. Getting a batch of soggy fries that lack any nature of crisp just feels like theft in my opinion. If you’re going to Wendy’s save yourself the time and get the 2 for $5 with a soda and save yourself some disappoint and money.
9. Burger King
You know who enjoys Burger King fries? Crackheads, that’s who. I know what you’re thinking, if they’re that bad why aren’t they 10 or simply not on the list? Well at least you have the option to order onion rings when indulging at your local Burger King. Don’t be a crackhead, order onion rings.
8. Shake Shack
I’m just gonna come out and say it, if you’re one of those people that can’t shut up about Shake Shack, I honestly think you heard someone else rave about it and you’re just afraid to look dumb or something. What am I missing? The size of the burgers are extremely small for the price, the fries have very little to no flavor, and the cheese is not good at all. Shake shack is one of the most overrated joints out there, at least you can flex on the gram because they do present a pretty plate.
Before anyone thinks I am crazy for having Arby’s curly fries this low, it’s simply because I have never stepped foot in an Arby’s and as long as we’re in the trust tree, I don’t plan on that changing anytime soon. Harry Mac and I seem to be the only anti-Arby’s guys in the basement but we ask you the simple question – “Do you not have a local deli near you?” All Arby’s slander aside, I know I would eat the shit out of those golden curly fries.
6. Five Guys
There are very few bad things I can say about Five Guys. Perfect burger, big portions and excellent fries. I myself like to live life with a little spice so I splurge for the cajun fries every time I’m jonsing for a burger. The only reason I don’t have Five Guys listed higher is because if you’re ordering takeout the fries instantly go soggy the second you try to keep them warm. Don’t make me eat in your store, I am not homeless. Treat me like an adult Five Guys.
Not to be dramatic by any stretch but Colonel Sanders is the most important military figure in this nations history. The attention to detail that the colonel shows with his 11 herbs and spices for his original recipe can also be felt in the french fry department. Their beautiful wedges provide the perfect balance of crunch, potato, and grease. The extra thickness compared to the traditional french fry does wonders to minimize sogginess. Are you guys starting to sense a pattern? Eliminate soggy fries and people will eat your shit.
4. Taco Bell
It’s sad honestly that one of the places that you’d assume should have no business in this category is yet so high. That’s right our awesome California friends serving up Tex-Mex dishes at all hours of the night know a thing or two about french fries. The nacho cheese that accompanies the “nacho fries” is good enough that it could be up here on it’s own but the amazing seasoned crunch you feel as you bite down into each fry is as close to an orgasm as you’ll get via food. If you have never tried Taco Bell’s nacho fries, stop what you’re doing and go hit up the drive through. Seriously, don’t even finish this blog cause those dicks are always changing their menu.
The easiest way to get me ordering an order of french fries is to batter them up. Battered fries just slap different because you feel that crunch of every single bite. If you’re heading to Popeyes anytime soon, steer clear of the overrated chicken sandwhich and just settle for an order of spicy tenders with some amazing fries.
Chick-Fil-A might hate gay people with every fiber in their body but holy fuck do they do fries properly. The only problem with their fries is that if you get some big cuts in your order, there wont be many others at the bottom. It’s a 2 large fry minimum for your boy every time he supports the radical Christians who lowkey hate everyone that isn’t white enough for them.
Who else did ya think was gonna be number 1? The kings stay kings for a reason. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. The first ones to do fries properly has been doing it the same ever since. I’ll never forget when I found out the McDonald’s in North Wildwood was closing. One of the darkest days of my life. I’m still not over it, to be completely honest.
Think I’m an idiot? Lets argue about it on the twitter machine.