Well, it’s happened. That little bastard has taken the last thing we had left.
As you can see from Helwani and his big stupid nose, UFC 249 is officially off. Why might you ask? Simple really, Uncle Dana answers to no man, but he does answer to an evil beady eyed mouse named Michael or “Mickey” for short. Dana’s been brash and aggressive in his disregard for shelter in place orders up until this point, basically telling everyone along the way to go fuck themselves albeit more politely. But not even Dana White, as wealthy, loud, and nonconforming as he is, has the ammo to win this fight. Michael Mouse controls basically every aspect of media, from production all the way through distribution. So for any sports league, staying on the mouses good side is absolutely vital. And while I know Uncle Dana fought for you and me, the average everyday people in this country who are slowly dying every day that goes by with no sports to entertain us or gamble on, it just wasn’t a fight he’d ever win.
It was reported the other day that the REAL reason the UFC and our favorite Uncle had been so aggressive in trying to put on fights while the world ends is actually tied to their contract with ESPN. Basically, if they just put on the fights as per their contract, then they would stand to make $750 million JUST from the Disney/ESPN contract independent of any ratings or PPV numbers. While that would’ve been great for the UFC and probably Mr. Mouse as well, that bitch Michael Mouse always bends his knee to whoever complains the loudest. With pressure mounting from
dumb idiot Senator Dianne Feinstein and concerned stay at home mothers alike, Michael Mouse did the cowardly thing as expected and caved to those terrorists people.
I am immensely sad. UFC 249 was basically the one thing I’ve had to look forward to with all of this going on and the Mouse stole it from us. I don’t know how else to handle this news. I’m lashing out. Lashing out at my pals, at internet strangers, and Michael Mouse. The Mouse however is certainly the only lashee who truly deserves this lashing. Who ever would’ve guessed that a cultural bastion built on racism and anti-semitism was actually bad? Weird! This is where I would plea with you to stop supporting Michael Mouse and his devious ways, but I’m a realist. That conniving fuck has weaseled his way into every nook and cranny of our lives and I don’t think most people realize how different their lives would be if they actually completely swore off that dastardly mouse. Think for a second: No ESPN. No ABC. No TNT. No Star Wars. No Marvel. No animated films to make a child shut their little trap for 2 hours. Fuck he’s got us good.
Rather than continue to ramble incoherently about Michael Mouse, I’ll you leave with this completely original poem that came from my brain and nowhere else:
First Michael Mouse came for Star Wars and I said nothing because I’m not a Star Wars fan. Then Michael Mouse came for Marvel and I said nothing because I don’t care for superhero movies. Then Michael Mouse came for my human cockfighting and there was no left to speak for me.
Wow. Powerful stuff. I lied though, I’m actually going to leave you with this because not including a single South Park Michael Mouse clip in this blog would be a civil injustice. Also if you think I was kidding about Michael being a racist piece of shit, google Song of the South and report bach to me @Harry__Mac on twitter.