Well here we are everyone. Just a few short weeks ago I pigeonholed myself into promising the people Goldfish Soccer. As it turns out, acquiring Goldfish during a global pandemic when you live in the epicenter isn’t that easy! Who woulda thunk it?

But, after tedious negotiations with Goldfish factories around the country, we were finally able to successfully fill out the roster and get one step closer to bringing you the people the greatest sporting spectacle this world has ever seen. So, without further ado, let’s meet the athletes:

Tuna Tagavoila II

One of 2 remaining holdovers from the first wave of tryouts, Tuna has proven he’s a gritty hard nosed fish who isn’t scared to stick his fins in the trenches and play a physical brand of Goldfish Soccer.

What a looker

Lafishka Shenault

The other holdover from original tryouts, Lafishka has displayed elite lateral quickness and swim bladder control through the preseason.

Javon Finlaw

Finlaw, a quicker more nimble Oranda Goldfish, has shown elite baseline to baseline speed and should present a problem to opposing teams as a striker.

Joe Burrowcuda

Burrowcuda refuses to have his photograph taken and has essentially told me, in my official capacity as GFSL Commissioner, to fuck myself when I tried. So I gave up for now. You’ll see him on the stream, he’s the silver Fantail and he is one cool cat.

Sea Higgins

Also averse to having his picture taken, Sea Higgins was hurt in the draft by great depth at his position but slots as a day 1 producer in the GFSL.

Dummy McDumbfish

This fuckin guy. Dummy’s been in the tank less than 24 hours and I have had to rescue him from the filter twice already. He keeps wandering over there and just lives to get himself stuck. Like the Charlie Kelley of the GFSL, Dummy will never learn and just always wants that cheese no matter how many times he gets shocked. I pray Dummy makes it long term but his prospects aren’t great right now.

KJ Clamler II

KJ Clamler II had his personal space invaded by Dummy in the above photograph, but fear not, because what Dummy lacks in brains, he may have given to Clamler II. He has displayed tremendous Fish IQ and will look to apply it in game.

Koilavon Chaisson II


No, I will not be answering questions about what happened to Koilavon I, I’m still in mourning you prick. Moving on, Koilavon has shown excellent bend and physicality as a defender and he’s got a scowl that rivals my own.

Everyone else is being extremely difficult right now, buncha fuckin divas. So here’s a partial group pic with the names of anyone we missed who big timed me. 


Jacob Ealson and Grant Delfish are in the top left and the shiny guy in the middle.

So, we’ve met the athletes. Now let’s talk bidness.  The GFSL will be kicking off at 7pm tomorrow (Friday). Myself and that coward Mook will be on the call. It’s gonna be 4 on 4 with one roamer. Do the people wanna know the team names? Fuck it, I’ll give you the team names: Borussia Dorsal and Swimmerpool FC. The 2 nets on each side are the goals and the scoring breaks down like this: Teams will receive one (1) point for one of their squad’s fish swimming through EITHER loop at the top of the net. Teams will receive two (2) points for pushing the ball into the net (a standard soccer goal). If the fish eat the ball, the team who takes the last bite will be awarded (3) points and play will stop until I put a new ball on the field. Games will be 30 minutes long with 2 15 minute halves with a running clock. We reserve the right to stream as many games in a night as we so please.  We are working on an official gaming partner but for now wagering will have to take place between you and your pals although we will post a full line sheet with props before the stream tomorrow to help you out. I think that about covers it honestly. Dorsal has opened as a -.5 favorite because of the veteran presence Tuna Tagavoila II brings but lines might change so check bach tomorrow for the full prop sheet. Follow me on twitter and follow The Basement on Twitch as that’s where we’ll be streaming and strap in for the most electric sports league ever created. The GFSL has arrived and we aren’t going anywhere bitches. See you at 7pm tomorrow.

P.s. As of the time of publishing, Dummy McDumbfish is BIG dead. Shocker of the year. Pour one out for Dummy everyone.

From the Desk of Commissioner Mac.