There is a frightening epidemic going on right now. No, not the novel coronavirus, something much, much worse: people online have been uttering some of the most tone-deaf, idiotic, borderline illegal statements in recent memory. I probably wouldn’t even notice this blasphemy if I had anything to do besides look at Twitter all day, but right now I’m on high alert for this kind of shit. Danny Boy Cane’s tweets provided me with a solid half hour of entertainment today, which should tell you all you need to know about my life in quarantine.

Anyways, this all spawned from an ESPN tweet I encountered thanks to our own Tyler Allen:

Like what the hell? This isn’t even close. Derrick Rose won the MVP when he was 22 and wasn’t even close to the same player the rest of his career. I’m trying to imagine what my life is going to look like next year when I’m 22, and my best accolade is “Co-Employee of the Week” rather than NBA MVP. Nothing’s guaranteed in life obviously, but there’s a great possibility that he ends up being one of the great guards of all time. It’s honestly one of the saddest stories in sports, right up there with Grayson Allen being unfairly painted as the bad guy of college hoops after Elon guard Steven Santa Ana failed to yield to his foot.

The other three move the needle not at all. The 2011 Lakers were never a contender and frankly CP3 wouldn’t have done anything for their hopes. The Nuggets (!!) took them to a game seven in the first round for Christ’s sake. The Heat win the ship that year 100 simulations out of 100, and I’m not even certain that those two mega type-A personalities would have coexisted well on the Lakers. Any sports “would you rather” scenario containing Oklahoma City is almost certain to not be picked by 99% of the population, so that’s my opinion on that.

I’m not even going to talk about that last option, Kobe vs. LeBron, because its inclusion on a tweet like this is kinda ludicrous. Who even cares about that? Of course the rec league team LeBron would have brought to the finals in Kobe’s prime would get smacked around by the Lakers.

This tweet is a complete non-starter for me, and frankly if you think any of the other three options are feasible I want you to follow me @jziller17 so I can block you. I’m gonna show you a few more examples of what I’m talking about on this stupid app.

This next one really hits me close to home:

Bonds

This simply can’t still be a debate in 2020. I won’t stand for it. There are a few topics I feel strongly enough about to get into an argument over: Kanye, calling low on a beer die table, and steroid users making it into the Hall of Fame. Of course Barry Bonds should be in the HOF, he was a hall of famer before he started roiding and he faced guys who were on the juice his whole career. The only reason he doesn’t have 3000 hits is because he got intentionally walked an MLB-record 688 times, and a ridiculous 120 times in 2004 alone. I don’t think most people realize how insane that is. There’s zero shot that record ever gets broken, or even close to broken (I’m talking like nobody will even get to half of that in their whole career).

Regardless of the facts that (1) his head grew like a half inch during his career and (2) he got absolutely yolked out of his mind at the age of 32 (both due to steroids), this guy deserves a spot in the HOF, and for my money he’s the greatest baseball player that’s ever lived. I mean just look at this transformation:

Bonds Before After

The awful content isn’t just limited to sports, either. Speaking of borderline illegal, what male TikTokers have been doing should be punishable by 25-to-life. Hand up, I don’t get this app. I’m probably 5 years out of the demographic, but I can’t see why anybody would want to watch any video in the same genre as this next one:

@thehypehouse

Most 🔥 dance to this song @tonylopez__ @ondreazlopez_

♬ Lose Control – Meduza & Becky Hill & Goodboys

I like EDM music as much as the next guy, but I just can’t endorse certain things. There are like fifty teenage guys who make dozens of these videos a day, each with the possibility of ruining your day. I’m not going to put any more of them in here for the simple fact that seeing them again would drive me to do something I’d regret.

We may be in luck, though, and this drivel will return to the back burner where it belongs. The Doc says there’s a path to sports returning sooner rather than later.

We, as sports fans, have no choice but to pray that this is true, because betting on Russian Ping Pong is getting tiresome in a BIG way. Until next time.

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