I’m not a fantastic looking guy.
I’m certainly not an ugly guy either, but I’m maybe somewhere in the middle. Or maybe I am just ugly, I’m not totally sure.
Either way, I currently have a girlfriend (dope) that some have said (not me) is a bit out of my league on this scale. It’s sort of alarming how people have no qualms about saying that to me right to my face, multiple times. Imagine saying that to a girl? Something like:
“I don’t know how you ended up with this stud.. He’s way out of your league,”
That would be super awkward, and probably classify as some sort of bullying, and wouldn’t be seen as the friendly banter that my big stupid face apparently welcomes. This concept isn’t necessarily the crux of this blog, but it definitely is part of my little dilemma here that I need help from the boys here.
So my girlfriend and I were discussing celebrity look-alikes for whatever reason. She then asked me what celebrity she looked like. As any intelligible and war-tested man would, I conjured the most attractive few of the female species I could think. The likes of the Kardashians, Jenners, Gigi’s, Gaga’s, Gugu’s etc. If you chose anyone less than an outstanding looking person here you’re an absolute rook and you don’t deserve to be the ugly half of a relationship like me. Be better.
As you’d expect I posed the question back to her.
There was some thought, maybe intentional as not to hurt my feelings with an instant you kinda look like danny devito or something. (that’s my guy, my b.) Her answer was not totally awful but for sure, not something that would truly initially excite anyone. Something along the lines of..
“You have an Adam Sandler type vibe and look,”
Again. Not great.
First, I should mention, I don’t know what the hell I could possibly have been expecting where Sandler was construed as a disappointment. I mean, what did I expect? John Stamos maybe, but I have put on some pounds on since freshman year of college. Liam Hemsworth… but some would argue my hair is getting a bit thin. I don’t know, Pitt or Pani? My only knowledge of celebrity look-alike’s comes from those terrible apps that just generate a random celeb to somehow match to your face even though they look nothing like you.
Let’s discuss the Pro’s and Con’s of looking like/ or having a Sandler vibe:
I think I get to wear basketball shorts everywhere now.
Sandler dresses like a complete slob who just got out of basketball practice in 6th grade and is waiting outside to get picked up by his mom..and I think that’s bad ass. Dude wears whatever, whenever, and that’s part of his vibe which I may similarly represent. Matching is actually not that cool. You won’t catch me or Adam wearing Gucci or Saint Laurent anywhere–we’re guys’ guys. I’m a massive proponent of the golf shirt gym shorts look. I also wear vans everyday and never stepped foot on a skateboard. W here.
This second fit here is tremendous.
You may be thinking.. “Pani..how could Sandler’s build be a positive?” It’s called the dad bod and it’s never been more in. Girls don’t like waxed 6 pack abs anymore, they like hairy chests and guys with long weird torso’s and little belly’s bulging out who are also Italian and write blogs. This body let’s you know we’re down for some brews and maybe just a bit-too-big sliver of cheesecake later, but we also might have done some push-ups in high school. Kinda chub but still handsome is the way to go. 2-0.
Poised, hilarious, and always seems like he’s off an edible that actually worked. In all seriousness, Sandler just seems like a super chill guy. He put’s his boys in all his movies and most likely makes them a shit-load of money doing so. Never seen him in any sort of beef or drama either. He signed a gazillion dollar deal with Netflix just so he could screw around with David Spade and make out with Jennifer Anniston. Uncut gems was kind of a bug out movie but that’s neither here nor there. Winning!
One of the hardest/coolest things to do is rock a mustache and not look like an absolute creep. Sandler pulls off the stache like he was born with it. I fancy myself stache-savvy as well, but I typically shave it off after a few days because I get embarrassed when people look at me strange as a practically grown man making myself a cake batter milkshake at Wawa with a fuzzy-buddy (just came up with that) on my lip. Need to get some of his energy going and let that baby ride like I was always meant to. The finisher.
I’ve decided there are no cons. I am the Sand-man, let’s ride.
Check out this legendary acceptance speech Sandler had for the Independent Spirit Awards.
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