uber

There are a lot of things I miss about our once populated, functioning civilization.

Through hibernation and isolation, we learn to appreciate the little aspects of our lives that before we may have never thought twice about. Things that we wish we could have back for just a second.

One thing that I weirdly miss are Uber drivers. 

I can’t help it, I’m a corny ass white dude. I love hopping in shot-gun (you heard me.), yapping it up with a gleeful driver, and safely landing at my destination refreshed from joyous conversation and hopefully one of those old people mints or two. 

Life Savers | A Hole Lot of Fun
Yes, I’m talking about these suckers. I assume old people always have these around because their name gives off the impression that they’ll elongate their elderly existence.

Regardless, there are some debates on what proper Uber etiquette is. Let’s examine.

The Pregame:

Before you even step foot in your Uber, the first set of decisions need to be made.

“Who’s calling it?” –Never be the guy who calls. You then incriminate yourself alone if somebody in your group throws up in the back seat or asks the driver “How long ya been driving Uber for?” We already know the answer. A few weeks, and this is just a side hustle for their digital media business.

It’s the right thing to do for friends to elect to split the fair. This is where the Lyft guy comes in and claims that he doesn’t use Uber, then proceeds to offer to CashApp you. Get with it. I think these people purposefully download these obsolete apps for situations like that. It’s Venmo and Uber brotha, assimilate to your generation or get left behind.

It’s also kind of bullshit that the guy who calls always sits up front. You have to look back at your friends through the passenger head rest bars like some sort of ride-share prisoner.. they’re laughing it up, having a grand ole time while you’re overhearing the driver’s phone conversation.

Always squad up in private so there’s not that awkward moment when the fringe guy thought he was gonna’ ride with you and the homies but publicly realizes he’s not. We don’t want to break hearts here- we’re just trynna’ get a ride.

During the Ride:

This clearly depends on heads. If you’re solo, your seat choice says a lot about you. Do you sit in the back and throw some headphones on? Or do you be social? When you’re with a group, obviously there’s usually not that option.

Solo:

Does the person seem like someone who may murder you and now has access to your address and name? Hit the front. Socialize. Try to find their interests. Prove that you are undeserving of being brutally murdered.

glory and gore

Group: 

As there are so many Uber drivers, there are so many personalities that may arrive at your door. Access who you’re working with and commence from then on.

As young college men, we’re always experiencing the cool guy. He listens in on our drunken conversations and jumps in accordingly. This guy’s always talking about how hot chicks are and how sick boozin is. How he wishes he could clock out and hit the twon with us. He may have turned his hat backwards when he saw us approach the vehicle. When someone hits their juul in their car, he pulls out his massive vape and unloads. Let this guy have his moment and tell him that he rules.

The reality is, most drivers are just normal people who want to make some money without talking to brain-dead drunkards.

Music: 

Sometimes the fellas are buzzing. I get it. We need some Avicii to pump us before we don’t talk to women and crush some jack and cokes. Is asking for an aux cord kind of a douche move? Yes. But who cares?

FTB.

General Etiquette: 

There’s always gonna be a bro who brings his beer in the car. Tread carefully in that regard. Even though you loudly coughed as you cracked it open literally everyone heard it. Don’t wear seat-belts because they’re lame and safety makes you not cool. Don’t fart-and don’t shame the driver for farting- laugh about it after you get out.

POST

If you’d like to give a good rating, that would be a nice treat.

As for me, when I see “Would you like to leave a rating for ___?” 

At the very least, don’t leave trash or your dignity in the car. Treat the whip how you’d treat your own. Bid the man or woman a good morrow and make your way. This has been a public service announcement.

Latest posts by panithekid (see all)