As Philadelphian’s, we’re constantly reminded by the rest of the country that some fictional meathead Guido plays a major role in our culture and our reputation.
When people think of our city they imagine slabs of beef smothered with gooey suspiciously orange cheese, Sly Stallone running his dumb ass up those Art Museum steps, but most of all….. the fuckkkinnn BIIRRDSSS baby.
— Michael Russo (@RussoMichael15) January 22, 2018
Regardless of your affiliation or fandom, you have to appreciate that 2018 SuperBowl run as the tremendous story-line it was. The first SB in Eagle’s history lead by back-up quarterback, big dick havin ass Nick Foles and second year head coach, big balls havin ass Doug Pederson. It was the most amazing sporting spectacle of all time, and I refuse to hear otherwise.
Like all Philly fans, I’m wondering…. When the hell is our movie coming to a theater near you that you can’t go to now because you will die of Corona virus?
Well, I’ve heard rumblings in Hollywood that they’ve mustered up some funding and got some big-name players strongly attached to this film. Here’s a sneak peak of the cast. (FYI: I got this under a non-disclosure agreement because I am an esteemed journalist so don’t continue reading if you’re not essential movie personnel.)
NICK FOLES: played by JON HEDER
I was looking for a funnier angle here but this has to be the choice. Napoleon Dynamite except with a massive hog. The southern drawl and general goofball vibe is a perfect fit. We gotta find a way to work Uncle Rico into this film as well.
DOUG PEDERSON: played by JON HAMM
Two Jon’s already for the price of one. Slap some Just for Men Gray and a dope-ass visor on those luscious Hamm locks and we’re rolling. Hamm might be too handsome for the boy Douggy but he’s an absolute beast on screen.
CARSON WENTZ: played by GINGER GUY FROM MODERN FAMILY
I Googled “Modern family ginger guy” for this. I had to find a ginger, you never want someone non-ginger to go full ginger in a movie-it’s just bad PR. Prince Harry was obviously batted around here if he decides to become an actor after he so bravely separated from the Royal Family.
Now that the big three are covered, here are some supporting roles.
JASON KELCE: played by JACK BLACK
This is now my second blog featuring Jack Black, expect more to come. He’s the only guy who can bring the intensity as much as Kelce, especially for that electric parade speech.
MALCOLM JENKINS: played by DAVID WASHINGTON
Washington has some experience acting as football players from his role in HBO’s Ballers. It also doesn’t hurt that his dad is Denzel. We’ll open up any role for Denzel.
HOWIE ROSEMAN: played by STEVE CARRELL
This would be awesome. Carrell can play both hilarious and serious ever since he played that weird wrestling coach-turned murderer in Foxcatcher. World’s greatest boss/gm.
Who else do you wanna see attached to this beautiful motion picture? Tweet me @thelittlepanman
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