The quarantine obviously sucks.
It sucks really bad.
Yesterday my mom said “it could be worse, you could be.. (fill in whatever bad predicament cliche you find applicable.) One of the most infuriating statements of all time. Of course, it could be worse. Things can always be worse. If my penis is cut off with a steak knife, it could be worse- my testicles could be cut off as well. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck that my penis has been cut off.
As much as this all sucks, we need to take this time to focus on some positives. My job as a blogger is to bring joy to you miserable desk workers or college students or super models that seek some light at the end of the daunting tunnel we call life.
In doing so, I’ve compiled a list of five COVID-19 era positives to brighten spirits.
1. Getting Extremely Good at Video Games
There’s nothing worse than playing a video game and getting absolutely destroyed continuously. There’s already a sense of embarrassment as you sit down as a grown man to play video games, it just makes it that much worse when some 13 year old Tik-Tokin stealing liquor from his dad’s cabinet lookin a-hole is kicking your ass. I mean I literally have a gaming chair that rocks around on the floor like I’m some bum Ninja and I absolutely suck at all games. Take this time to perfect your craft, put in the hours. Next time some teenager says some not so complimentary things about your intelligence or mental fortitude, you’ll be prepared to strike back. (In reality, I’ve been doing pretty much nothing other than drinking and playing video games and I still am not very good.)
2. Strengthen Your Pick Up Game
Now I am currently in a real life relationship with a real life woman so this doesn’t apply to me. For all the singles out there, hit Tinder and get weird. Now is the chance to practice your game without the possibility of ever actually meeting the person. Run your boldest lines, see what sticks and what doesn’t for when it really matters. It’s like a video-game. At the very least you may find some horned up woman or man to exchange nude photographs with via Snapchat to pass some time. That sounds alright to me.
3. Now is Possibly the Best Time to Rob a Store
I don’t condone criminal activities. If I did, I would tell you that right now is the perfect time to commit a robbery at practically any story. I think about it pretty much every time I walk into a WaWa or grocery store, how easy it would be with literally every person on the planet wearing masks. Why haven’t there been more robberies? They’re not gonna fill the prisons up anyway. (Disclaimer: Do not rob stores, unless you can’t afford sour patch kids and you’re really craving them.)
Take this time to reward your body. I’m constantly shoveling shit into my body from all angles, it would be nice to have something positive. I’ve never done yoga, but I heard it does wonders for your energy levels, and I do need to become more limber for some future activities I wish to indulge in. Exercising your mind is just as important as your body. I’ve watched more useless brain-dead content on Youtube than a toddler with an iPad. I need some positive karma, or as the Ancient Asian religions say, “tchi” flowing around me. Also maybe do psychedelics in your basement alone with your dog to strengthen your bond.
5. You’re Now Not Alone in Being a Slob
This picture is absolutely repulsive. Just google’d “slob”
If you were a real mess before this happened, chances are you’ve gained some friends in that department. If you wear sweatpants at all times and eat ice cream in the morning, your behavior has now been normalized. When this thing is over, if it ever ends, people are going to be a whole lot pudgier, paler, have absolutely terrible haircuts, and probably carry some sort of peculiar odor. For the guys out there who are air condition and xbox over bright sun and fishing, big W for us.
This was optimistic Pani giving all the paniphiles and other readers hope during these trying times. We got this.