I think there are a few things that definitively make you a man.
If your able to manually work on any sort of vehicle or machinery, you’re a man. If you drink a lot milk without cookies, you’re a man. Finally, I firmly believe that you’re a complete man’s man if you have the courage and the blissful ignorance to drop your pants and get to business anywhere and everywhere.
When I was a little boy, I could only poop in my own home. I would literally call my mom to pick me up somewhere when I needed to go. No matter where I was. What an inconvenience for my mom, if my son called me and said he needs me to pick him up because he has to poop idk what I would do.
Although I have, to some degree, since grown out of this safety poop stage, there are some places that I would still really really prefer not to go. Here are some that I mustered up.
1. Highway Gas Station:
People are only in highway gas stations if its a complete emergency. When there’s no other option. Nobody is driving cross-county and thinking, “hmm, just in case I may try to squeeze one out at the Sunoco in West Virginia.” You’re there solely because if you weren’t you may die from diarrhea outweighing blood in your system. The sounds of people pooping next to you is almost worst than the smell, and in these locations it sounds like a damn orchestra of farts and regurgitated coffee. Nothing like a trucker resembling a frozen yogurt dispenser two feet from you. Grab your coffee, your jerkey and some copenhagen pouches and get back on the road.
2. Bar/House party:
What actually inspired this blog was a discussion on the Buckets and Pozz Podcast..(Barnes, the Pozz, and Mookie do a great job and the pod is hilarious so go give that a listen.) Mookie had said on the latest episode that he is unable to poop at bars. He’ll just pack it up. He’ll take one last swig of his titos and tonic and bid farewell to his hinge date. Now I don’t fault the man for this, in fact, I fundamentally agree with him if you’re close enough to your house or apartment to make a drop off. But for the sake of this blog, we’re talking absolute emergencies. Pooping at a bar is an absolute disaster. You’re usually sweaty, and it’s usually the most disgusting bathroom in the world. I would argue however that a house party poop is much worse. At every house party, there’s a line to the bathroom. To be more specific there’s a line of girls who for some reason go to the bathroom in squads of 19. Guys usually just pee outside somewhere so everyone knows what you’re about to do. When you’re in there you try everything to mask the sound. You can’t turn the shower on because that’s too obvious. Maybe play some music on your phone, run the sink, I don’t know. Regardless, when you get out all of those girls are gonna be like “OMG he just pooped.” Do you just walk right by or pretend it didn’t happen? Do you blame it on the guy “in front of you”? or do you just own up to it? These are the questions that “journalists” on Fox and CNN are not answering.
(there’s a good chance in Philly that the bathroom looks something like this.)
3. Girlfriend’s Family House:
There’s never really a time where you feel completely comfortable at your girlfriends family’s house. Unless you’re one of those dudes who’s been with the same girl since like kindergarten, you probably don’t feel to excited to poop. I was at my girlfriends house the other day and I made her drive me to WaWa. Would it be like a huge deal that everyone in the family talks about? No, but it just doesn’t seem right. You don’t want to be remembered as the guy who shamelessly pooped in the living room when you go to ask for her hand in matrimony. I’ve also just noticed that I am one of the only people privileged enough to have a bathroom in my basement, because that would obviously be less demoralizing.
4. Any Porta-Potty
Watching that video of Steve-O getting sling-shotted into oblivion inside a porta-potty is nightmare fuel. I have a huge phobia of these suckers. I’m a consistent nose clothes-pinner whenever I step in. The sight of another person(s) poop is something I can’t really every get over, even while just peeing. Now there are levels to the porta-hell. The easier side, although still not necessarily pleasant, are places like construction sites or athletic fields. When I worked labor I honestly didn’t mind going that much because I could kill time. The worst of this would be a festival dump. Imagine you’re 16 again. You’re at Made in America Festival and and The Weeknd is delivering some angelic vocals. The lines for the potties are 20 deep and you’re drunk out of your mind. Approximately 3,400 people have used this directly before you.
5. Out of the Shower Poop
I know this is a bit cliche but I suppose they all are pretty apparent. It’s probably the worst thing in the world having to get out of the shower to go. It’s ranked #5 because at least you’re still alone and in the privacy of your own home, but it definitely sucks. There’s really no correct way to do it in terms of drying off or staying wet, do you go back in the shower and assess the issue immediately? It’s a real mess.
BONUS BEST POOPS:
Office Job Poop
Emergency when you finally get home Poop
College Poop to kill 10-15 minutes of class.