A little while back @thelittlepanman wrote a blog, “Ranking the Worst Places to Take a Poop” in which the man did in fact rank the worst places to take a poop. My mind started spinning, thinking of the best places to drop an absolute below the deck missile. And with that being said, here we go… Best Places to Take a Deuce.
1. Hotel Lobby Bathrooms
If you know me, you know that I get unnecessarily triggered with people who completely panic while on the road. If you have ever driven more than two hours and still don’t know where to dump it, then you have come to the right blog. While I feel bad that many years of your life have been wasted air-striking in the McDonalds bathroom, PozzyPoops is here to help.
If you are EVER on the road and have the urge, there is simply one and one option only…. The Hotel Lobby Bathroom. There is a hotel within 5 miles of any location and therefore stopping at the Wawa bathroom is a no go. But why hotel lobby bathrooms you ask? Well, for one, they are always clean, they have ample toilet paper, and most importantly they have such calming music. Under U.S. common law, hotels are not allowed to deny anyone use of their lobby bathroom (don’t fact check that though). You walk right through those automatic doors, make zero eye contact with the concierge, and go tear that bathroom up why John Mayer sings sweet symphonies in your ear. Please, from here on out, whenever you are on the road, always stop at a hotel to drop that deuce.
2. 2nd Floor of Your Parent’s House
Guests are only to be using the first floor, while the patriarchs and their offsprings have free range. There is really no need for an explanation here, home court always wins. You feel the most comfortable and there is never a shot clock when vibing in the 2nd floor bathroom.
3. Nordstrom Rack Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
Have you ever been let in on something top secret or given the keys to something no one else has? Well, I am going to let the readers in on a the original Philly Special. Wondering the streets of Philadelphia, you quickly realize there are limited places to go to the bathroom, let alone take a dump. While fully aware that each store must have a bathroom for their employees, no customer is getting reign.
Faced with a do or die situation last December, the 20 year old Nordstrom Rack employee had no choice but to give me the secret sauce. If you are ever stuck in Philly and needing to go number two; walk into the Nordstrom Rack on 17th and Chestnut, take the elevator (behind the stairs) to the ground floor, walk to the men’s room and type in 1703. What you see is something spectacular, a clean well kept center city bathroom. You are welcome.
4. A Country Club/ The Princeton in Avalon Bathroom
I mean come on, the wooden doors on the stalls that go from ceiling to ground are just otherworldly. You can sit in there for hours and no one can peep your white converses that every 23 year old guy at The Princeton wears. The privacy is something that remains supreme, but the heat that overwhelms you from the lack of ventilation is what makes these bathrooms land at the number 4 spot.
5. Model Homes in Expensive Neighborhoods
There will be a time in your life when you are touring a model home in some Toll Brothers development, questioning as to how you got there. Do yourself a favor and take a gander at the master bedroom bathroom. Sit your behind down and enjoy the hell out of it. Let’s be honest, you aren’t making the final decision on the brand new house, your wife is. So while she is looking at the house, you sit on that newly crafted toilet seat and admire that jacuzzi in which you will enviably use about 5 times throughout your 20+ years in the house.
- Fine Arts Wing Bathroom of Your High School
- Ocean Drive Sandbar Bathroom (Only during the Quarantine era, trust me)
- Dentist Office
- School Nurse’s Office
- That Random Building in College no one knows about