The Phillies bullpen is a known dumpster fire. They are like the Bad News Bears before they got Buttermakers’s niece Amanda and Kelly Leak (all-time movie character). It’s one of the worst bullpens to ever grace the MLB.

Believe it or not, our bullpen ERA was better until be threw Workman in the mix, but hey he stinks too so he’ll fit right in. The recently acquired reliever from Boston didn’t take long to show everyone why Boston dished him.

Ok so we’ve established the bullpen stinks, but I know a guy who can give you that same kind of production for a fraction of the price; Me.

A little background on my baseball career. My first year of kid-pitch I threw one perfect inning. 9 straight strikes. After that I wasn’t put on the mound. It was a shame, and I blame the Texas Rangers of Great Valley Little League for having their bum sons get rocked on Schmidt Field.

After my pitching career I slid over to the hot corner, 3rd base. I was the perfect 5-hitter in the lineup, a real glue guy in the dugout. However, I got thrown out in back-to-back championship games trying to steal 2nd. The same catcher gunned me out. It was a disaster.

Now I have a torn labrum and a torn rotator cuff, so you don’t get me until after my surgery in November. But considering you’ve given guys with equally as bad resumes chances, I thought I’d send my application in as well.

All the best, and looking forward to wearing that Phillies uniform while chewing bubble gum in the bullpen.