Cigars are an international sign of class.

They’re for golfers, rich men with great lawns, and Mike Ditka. A cigar is to gentleman as a cigarette is to a vagabond. Yet, I still don’t like them.

I want to enjoy them, I really do. When the men of my family huddle up in the garage for a stoagie at Christmas I wanna smack on a big fat gar like everyone else. Am I just trash, or they stink.

First off you can’t inhale them, which is kinda lame. Sometimes I get a little greedy and sneak some puffs in but you’re just asking for a yuke there. They also stink up you and the whole joint. They also take forreeveer. I don’t want to smoke something for 48 minutes. I just don’t have that kind of patience/it takes up valuable time where I can be snacking on deserts and having some miller lites.

So, I’m out on cigars. Does it make me less of a man? Possibly. But I also dip which is easily the manliest vice of them all.