I recently moved to the bustling city of Nashville, Tennessee – famous for country music, being one of the last semi-lawless places in America, and binge drinking that would make any Irishman either sick to the stomach or proud beyond belief. Despite the pandemic, I’ve been having a grand old time down here – I’ve gotten a well-paying part time job, I’ve expanded my social circle, and I’m finally wrapping up school and am slated to graduate this coming December. However, there is one problem that I’ve noticed in my journey south of the Mason-Dixon line: I’m constantly being objectified by women because there just aren’t that many good looking fellas down here. 

Let me set the record straight, I’m no Brad Pitt and I’m CERTAINLY not in the realm of Matthew McCounaghey, BUT I’m no slouch either. I’m about 6 feet tall, and I’m in pretty good shape thanks to an intense diet and exercise regimen. I have big, dark brown eyes that turn into that sorta Twilight vampire yellow when the sun hits em just right. My golden brown hair is just long enough on the top that it swoops to the side, creating an almost Tik-Tok fuckboy effect. And to top it all off, I firmly believe I’m in the top 5% of the best facial hair in the country. For all intents and purposes, let’s consider me a soft 8. 

I work as a valet for an esteemed chain of boujee hotels, so I deal with a lot of drunk people on a daily basis. This is where my problems arise. Being a fairly outgoing and bubbly person, I tend to strike up conversation with those I’m serving. On a multitude of occasions, a drunk woman has asked me to give her “a quick kiss goodbye”, and one time a college-aged woman even gave me $20 and her number just “for being a sight for sore eyes”. This has also extended into my personal life – when I was at the bar with a couple friends of mine, a woman stopped me on my way to the bathroom to tell me I was “an extremely attractive” individual. This was all new to me – having spent most of my life in northern states, I’d never really been catcalled or been complimented so directly before. I decided to get to the bottom of it and see what was really going on.

After some acute people-watching, I’ve come across the route of the problem – almost every man in Nashville looks exactly the same. Sure you’ll get your outliers like myself, but for the most part, it’s a cookie cutter city; the dudes here are about average height, a little chubby, and wears a hat or buzzes their hair and connects it to their beard. I mean going out around here looks like you’re going to a knock off country awards show. It’s quite baffling to see.

So, if you ever find yourself in Nashville, Tennessee as an above average looking man who’s different from the crowd, expect to get some whistles and ass grabs from the heavily intoxicated just looking for something new.