I’m not usually one to air out my friends publicly, but this morning, one of my group chats had arguably the most ridiculous conversation in the world this morning and I couldn’t get enough of it.
I’m outgunned in this particular group chat as my friends are from Philly and New York so whenever I make a comment about DC sports I reel in some heat from all angles. Some banter about the Nats not making the playoffs this year after winning the World Series turned into me making sure they knew how big of a dumpster fire the Phillies are and how the Yankees fumble expectations year in and year out.
Lurking in the shadows during this time was one of my good pals who is the definition of the stereotypical Philly 4 for 4 sports hardo. He also tends to have some of the worst sports takes I’ve ever heard in my life, which include but are certainly not limited to the Patriots only being a championship team because they play in the AFC East.
Out of nowhere, he just starts sending in Google Maps screenshots of how far everyone else lives from their favorite teams’ city versus how far they live from the closest sports market with no context. For example, another one of my friends from central Jersey is a Yankees and Giants fan, but now we know that he lives one hour and 24 minutes from NYC while only 52 minutes from Philly.
In the Chickies n Pete’s crab fry-diluted brain of my Philly friend, that automatically means he should be a Philly sports fan, no if’s, ands or buts. Family ties mean absolutely nothing. Here’s his reasoning, which might be my favorite text of the day.
“Here’s why it matters…Elementary school parades where everyone wears Eagles jerseys (suburban Philadelphia elementary school example) and there’s the few kids who wear Cowboys jerseys because their grandfather once had a layover flight in Dallas. They were the worst, couldn’t be me, couldn’t be my kids.”
To play devil’s advocate on myself, I’m all DC except the Eagles and another one of my friends in this group chat is all New York except the Cowboys, but I can speak for both of us by saying it was never a bandwagon scenario and we’ve both been that way since we could be sports fans. This situation genuinely pisses off our good friend and it even got to the point where he doesn’t even consider me a real Eagles fan which is so much fun for me.
This is where our conversation took a hilarious right turn: somehow it got brought up that he thinks range finders in golf give an unfair advantage because they weren’t around when golf was invented and they take away from the skill of reading how far you are from the hole.
We shouldn’t be able to use range finders because these guys in wool suits using wooden golf clubs and ripping nine cigars a round didn’t have them. Picturing that argument in his head made me wonder if he thinks Vontaze Burfict should be head hunting receivers wearing leather helmets and if Lebron should be shattering peach baskets with 360 dunks.
If I’m being completely honest, I don’t really know why I blogged this. But the exchange made me laugh for about 30 minutes straight and hopefully you got at least some nasal exhale chuckles out of it too. So I guess I’m done now and I’ll leave you with one message:
Always have one crazy Philly friend in your life because it’s endless entertainment
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