You hear the phrase “first world problems” a lot.

The term clearly has negative connotations, aimed at shedding perspective on our trivial inconveniences that obviously can’t compare to global issues of much more serious manner. Hot take coming at you- first world problems also suck. Why? Because we live in the first world and we’re therefore permitted to bitch and whine about our iPhone charger’s cord peeling. I got to pondering today over the worst FWP and to me, it seems pretty obvious..

Poopy Butthole (aka Caught in a Pickle w/o Toilet Paper)

Can we even discuss minor inconveniences without mentioning poopy butthole? If we can, it’s not a discussion I would like to be a part of. Imagine this: you sit down for your daily dump and reach casually for the toilet paper. Much to your chagrin, your roommate savagely took the last available wipeable section and couldn’t be bothered considering the dire consequences for the next pooper. He’s a man who lives his life with reckless disregard for friends. As you frantically search the drawers in the bathroom that you know deep down has no back up tp, the doom begins to set in.

For all you know, you’re now stuck there forever. You’re now eternally forced to live your regular life within the confides of the bathroom. Often cooler heads prevail though, and your reality sets and cools some anxiety. Just call your roommate and tell them to bring up some toilet paper so that you can do that awkward handoff with the door cracked open. We’re in the clear, right? Wrong, boom, your phone is dead (a minor inconvenience in itself while pooping).

Here is where you’re forced with worst case scenario. The thing you worried about this whole time. The thing that wakes up Freddy Kruger from his nightmares- you gotta do the poop walk.

Let’s talk form, I’ve been dying to talk form. The biggest question that you have to answer is what in the hell do I do with my pants? Do you pull your pants up, potentially contaminating your underwear or sweatpants for the rest of the evening? Or are we duck-walking, pants around your ankles to the promise land?

Remember, your journey is far from over at this stage. We’ve only begun.

If you know you have a big plastic bag of rolls somewhere then have it at. If you’d like to end this theoretical hero tale now then be my guest, but more philosophical questions will be answered to follow.

Let’s say you don’t know where the toilet paper is traditionally kept, or possibly…you don’t know if you have any at all. You now have to explore your apartment like Amerigo Vespucci, but you’re voyage is not for search of coveted land, rather refuge from the terrible tribulations derived from poopy butthole. If you live in a place with a lot of people there’s the potentiality for someone to see you at your absolute worst. Remain stealthy, this is no time to think of the further problems.

You’ve looked everywhere, the prospects are not looking promising. By now the obvious has happened- I won’t get into detail here but it involves air density and temperature. Here’s what you find as replacements: Paper towels– sure, it’ll get the job done, but a bit rough if you ask me. Clorox cleaning wipes– it’ll surely replicate a wet wipe sensation but I imagine it can induce serious medical problems. Shower and call it day.

Now the question begs: What would YOU do?

Latest posts by panithekid (see all)