That’s right folks, we’re beating up birds this weekend.

After so many of you insulted my intelligence and physical ability by insinuating I couldn’t best a GOOSE in combat, I arrived at the only logical conclusion. There is not a single bird on earth that could defeat me in pure, one on one hand to hand combat.

I mean look at this bitch

The average goose weighs between 4-15lbs. Anyone who doesn’t think I would pick that thing up by its neck and swing it around like a medieval flail is delusional!

I won’t even spend too much time on the goose because that’s an open and shut case, so here is an exhaustive list of how I would prevail over any and every bird:

1. Ostrich

The first challenge all of the Twitter brain geniuses threw at me was an ostrich. While I respect this big strong guy, I see 2 very clear paths to victory. First, I simply jump up, grab its head, and drag it down to the ground where I proceed to finish the fight with a flurry of GnP. What’s the ostrich gonna do when I jam my thumb in its eyeball? Nothing that’s what. If that didn’t work I would mount the beast and tie its neck in a big knot. Either that or just twist it around till… you know. Easy. This also applies to the emu.

2. Cassowary

2 words, body work. You see how low to the ground and thicc this guy is? I’m just throwing body roundhouses and teep kicks until I turn its intestines into oatmeal. Anyone who gets killed by one of these is a huge bitch and that’s just the facts of the matter.

3. Shoebill

Look at this ugly bastard. All bark, no bite as they say. I could snap one of those little twig legs easy. All I would have to do is get hands on the bird and maneuver it to where I can just grab it’s leg and snap that thing like a smelling salt on a crisp NFL Sunday morning. Once the bird has no legs I could easily just stomp him out. You’re also all forgetting birds that fly have hollow bones. For the crowd that thinks I couldn’t beat up a goose that means there’s nothing inside their bones! Paper thin coward bird bones! This is light work for me!

4. Several Wild Turkeys

When trying to find a suitable venue for my inevitable thrashing of a goose, I was presented with an opportunity from the best fight promotion on earth Fight Circus.

This would be just as easy as 3 geese, which is the number I believe I can easily take at once. I would grab one turkey by its dumb turkey neck and use it as a blunt force weapon to bludgeon the remaining turkeys. Again, to all the good folks at FMD and Fight Circus, I will fight any bird any place any time. Send the contract.

5. Pigeon

I would absolutely curb stomp a pigeon. Next question.

6. Flamingo

I could easily use the goose strategy here but for the sake of keeping things interesting, I would simply pick the flamingo up over my head and break it in half over my knee like a 2×4. I really haven’t found a single worthy challenger yet.

7. Seagull

There are a few ways to attack a seagull here. You can try to lure it in and then just grab it and probably rip it in half or something. I think I could probably get it to fly close to me and punch it out of the air Randy Johnson fastball style. But again the recurring theme here is the second I get hands on any sort of gull, water fowl, or any bird for that matter, it’s over. Done. Caput.

8. Falcon

Finally, an intriguing foe. The falcon has the agility, speed, and talons to give me some trouble but as long as I keep my chin tucked and my eyes protected I can neutralize any real threat it poses. It would definitely take a bit to get hands on him but I’m thinking this ends with me getting one to give one. Maybe a talon or bite on the forearm that allows me to smack him out of the air and introduce him to some black Air Force 1s. Game over, falcon.

9. Eagle

Another interesting foe. I’m much more intimidated by a big eagle than any of those big dumb ground bitch birds if we’re being frank. BUT, unfortunately for the eagle, this goes similarly to the falcon. I play tight defense until the eagle over commits and I get hands on him. From that point I can probably just sit on the eagle and break every bone in its stupid symbolic body.

10. Kiwi

I would boot this little rat bird 60 yards straight down the middle right between the uprights. That’s 3 points and that’s the ballgame, hang that Mac jersey in the damn rafters.

And that folks, is how I would beat up every bird. If you have other worthy contenders, yell them at me @bbharrymac on Twitter and I will gladly tell you I would dispatch any bird you could dream of.